fifteen

Fifteen!   

That’s a decade and a half, three full sets of hashmarks, and an “XV” in Roman numerals.  It’s ten fingers and five toes.  It’s 5,478 days.  

It’s also fifteen years of being a mom for me, your mom to be exact.  Ironically, we just finished a decade right before your fifteenth birthday so I’ve spent a little time looking back through pictures of ten years ago and then fifteen years ago, remembering who we were then.  The day you were born will forever mark the day that my life was changed for the better.  Everything I did from that day forward has been for or about you and your sister and I am so thankful.  I have learned what it is to be selfless, what it is to want more for someone else, and how it feels to pray expectantly and sometimes get more and sometimes different answers that I have to trust anyway.   

What a year you have had!  I think it’s funny the places you have ended up when you surely aren’t even trying to.  This year you’ve hung out with NFL players, NBA players, been behind the scenes of the Superbowl, shook hands with professional baseball players, got a personal video from Dak Prescott, sat on the set of the Rich Eisen show, and walked the course with  Justin Thomas .  You’ve been to the beach twice and even checked Los Angeles and Disneyland off of your bucket list.  Your art has ended up on the walls of St. Jude and on some custom designed fancy golf shoes for your buddy, Justin.  Your sweet face made quite a ripple with Chip and Joanna Gaines and they recognized you when they saw you again this year.  You even made it a few seconds on the Today show.  You have also fished and golfed and swam and tubed and kneeboarded and biked and adventured and if nothing else, EATEN your way through the year.  So much eating.  You like good and expensive food and a lot of it.  It’s hard to believe you ate nearly nothing for a year.  

But, mostly you’ve just been the best you that you can be.  You’ve grown the most this year in both height and in so many other ways.  You are nearly eye to eye with me, your shoes are huge, and your pants are constantly too short, but your hair is usually just right.  I absolutely love it all.  You’re just a bigger you with more humor and more personality which is pretty cool and super fun to hang out with.  You also got glasses which somehow ramped up your cool factor and made it even more impossible for me to be mad at you when I look at your face.  It’s funny how I can still see the little you still in the grown up version.  You are an even more astute observer of the world and while people are missing lots of things in life, you don’t miss a thing -  down to the tiniest detail that sets one thing apart from the next or one person apart from everyone else.  You’ve always been like that.  I’ll never forget you walking into preschool when you were three and nonchalantly telling the director that one of her fish was missing out of the tank.  You were the only one that noticed the dead fish in the whole school.  Your same old soul is now in a teenage body which makes you that much more endearing.  Plus the smile.  It’s still the best because we only get the real one when you’re actually pleased or impressed or something is super funny.  

You moved from middle school to high school this year.  I have never been so happy to end something as I was middle school for you because you worked so hard and it was exhausting to both be in and to watch.  (I certainly worked harder in your eighth grade year than in my own).   You walked across that stage at promotion effortlessly and no one would know that you’d caught up three academic years in one year or that one of your legs was made nearly entirely of metal.  I wanted to give a standing ovation for your comeback but I sat still and took a blurry video and then bought you some pancakes, so you’re welcome for that.  I’ll admit that I dreaded the move to high school and after I walked your schedule that first day with all the stairs and all the hallways, I told your daddy we were selling the house and moving to the middle of nowhere.  I think I overreacted a tad but I’m allowed.  I was totally wrong because high school looks pretty good on you.  I’ll be wrong and overreact a lot, so forgive me in advance.  I’m trying hard to be breezy.  I know you’re capable and this is just the beginning of me realizing how little control I actually have, but it’s not the end of me throwing in some wise council that will likely fall on your deaf ears because I’m still your mom and it’s my job. 

You and your sister have taught me how great it is to have big kids this year.  I love hanging with both of you and even though sometimes you pick at each other, it’s usually out of love (mostly).  I love watching you both form your own opinions and develop your own interests and humoring me when I make you do stuff like pick blueberries in the blazing heat for the nostalgia of the situation.  When one of you is not here, even for a night, we miss you like crazy!  You check on each other too and I’m so glad I have you to look after Kate because you do the best job - maybe too good in her eyes, but she’ll get over it.  Keep at it for the rest of her life.  She needs you.  

I loved taking you both to the West Coast this year and seeing things for the first time together.  You knew more about California that all of us - no surprise there - and navigated most of the trip based on what you’ve seen on YouTube, down to the wild goose chase for Hot Chicken in California.  Your need for chicken hardly compares to your daddy’s need to visit where every 80s hair band got their start and I feel sure we will be saying “right by the Whiskey a Go Go” in conversation for a long time.  

Bailey, you are one of a kind for sure.  I knew this from the beginning and so did your Nana - she understood you before anyone else and always told me that you would be just fine when I told her you were stubborn.  She was right, of course.  You are driven and motivated by exactly what you are interested in and will learn everything about whatever that may be.  Currently it’s golf and fishing, and but who knows what it will be next.  You've made me smarter with all the facts I now know on cars and dogs and certainly what can be found on the internet and how to work my phone.  I can only hope that you stumble upon a career that drives you to dig deeper into what you love to benefit someone else.  You never fail to be honest and shoot it straight, even when I don’t really want to hear it.  

I have loved watching you be you this year.  I saw you use what you’ve learned in life more than ever before and push yourself to try new things more than ever too.  I saw you work hard and see what redemption feels like when you did something that was so hard before and it’s much easier now.  It’s the hardest thing to realize you used be able to do something that you can no longer do and the easiest thing to feel sorry for yourself about that.  But, you never do.  You just get out there and get after it and learn it all over again.  There’s a lot of things that you’ve got no choice to face and a lot of times I just want to grab you up and run out of that hospital but you stay so I stay too.  You live an example that makes people forget how much you’ve been through because you work so hard at making it look so easy.  The transformation you have made in just two years is incredible.  You have grown in confidence and in spirit and it’s the most exciting thing to watch.  I have the best front row seat. 

This cancer thing is not what you asked for, and not something you want to discuss so you really don’t and that’s fine.  You don’t really have to.  We see you and you set the bar high for people three times your age.  You face those scans and those surgeries and whatever news comes your way with such tenacity and bravery that we all look like wimps.  You carry a lot in your head and your heart from what you’ve endured and watched other people endure.  As long as you lead with both your head and your heart, you can absolutely do anything.  God gave you exactly what you needed to do exactly what He’s designed you to do. 

I had no idea what these fifteen years would bring to me but you are by far one of my greatest gifts.  It’s an honor to be your mom.  

Happy Birthday!  

Now go study the book and I’ll take you to get your permit.  

Love, 

Mom 

eleven

My very best girl, you are eleven!  

You are more than two handfuls of years now which means that I’m a lot more than that.  Sometimes I talk to other moms with younger kids and they tell me, “Oh! Your kids are big!” And, I guess you are!  Somehow you got big without me even really noticing.  Well, except for the fact that I don’t have to drag sippy cups and Cheerios everywhere and tell you to sit down in the grocery cart all the time.   What I need you to know is that I love big kids.  Somewhere in the last year I’ve started to see more of exactly who you will be as an adult and it is my very favorite.  You are the perfect mix of sweet and sass - a sprinkle donut with a side of spicy fries.

This has been your very last year of elementary school so there have been so many last things but with a lot of firsts to come just around the corner.  When people ask me if you’re ready for middle school, I say that you were pretty much born ready for anything.  And that is so true.  You, my girl are always up for an adventure!  If I tell you we are going on a trip, you are the first one packed and usually have a list for me of things not to forget and to buy at the store.  You also pack snacks and even extra ones because Daddy never packs any but is the first one to ask for them.  You are the most prepared of any of us for sure.  You even make schedules for yourself on a white board in your room, complete with inspirational quotes.  A friend asked me if I thought you were so prepared because that’s the way you’ve had to be since our life has been a little nuts sometimes.  Maybe so, but it will serve you well.  

You are also the most flexible.  I don’t think you’ve had much choice because sometimes our plans kind of get derailed, but you complain and usually look for something fun in spite of it.  I’ve tried really hard this year to keep things a little more calm, but as you know, that’s not an easy thing to do around here.  You sometimes have to sit through boring appointments or with boring adults at events when I know you’d rather be doing other things, but people always complement you on how well behaved you are and it makes me very proud.  There’s a real art to being patient and waiting and I’m so thankful you are learning that now.  

You are the most helpful girl around.  As G-Daddy says, “you are as handy as a pocket on a shirt.”  You always help me without being asked.  You are the first to help with the grocery bags and when everybody gets in the car you come back to help me get all the stuff, because I always have to carry a lot of stuff.  It’s mostly everybody else’s stuff because I sometimes I don’t remember my own stuff, but you’ve gotten really good at reminding me and sometimes you are standing at the door with my purse and my keys and pick out my earrings and shoes.  I’m just not sure what I’d do without you.  I watch you help other people too - opening doors and picking up things off the floor, and especially when you see older people or little kids that need help.  I have also watched you help your brother without him knowing you’re helping and because of him you have learned how to best help others.  Your heart is big and you keep it wide open so others can benefit.  

My girl, you are a lot of fun.  I love to take you places with me because I know it will be extra fun.  We got to go on a lot of trips last year from Hawaii to Chicago to Nashville, and you and I even escaped for a few days to New York City.  It was the first time just you and me have flown in a plane together and we got all the Starbucks and all the snacks the whole time.  You had to sit through some boring adult things but the rest of the trip was worth it.  I let you pick what you wanted to do in New York and we did exactly that - The Carousel, Central Park, picnics, M&Ms, American Girl, and the ferry.  We ate ice cream and donuts and Starbucks the entire time because you and I would rather be seeing things than eating things.  We even walked back to Times Square just one more time early in the morning because you loved it so much.  You carried your own luggage, navigated the subway, and planned our next adventures the whole time.  It was just the most fun!  But, I like to take you on errands too because you make the boring fun and give us a good excuse to get ice cream.

I have watched you grow so much this year, a little in size, but much more in personality.  You are still the same creative independent little being that you always have been, only much more.  You make wonderful creations, like the earrings you made me for Mother’s Day, and your school art projects.  You love to sing and you sing all the time and like to play your favorite songs in the car so you can sing really loud.  Sometimes your brother tells you to be quiet but I love to hear you sing and I hope that you keep singing more and more.  Sometimes you sing at church when Daddy plays guitar and it’s just the absolute best, because your voice is pure and innocent, just like you.  People ask you if you get nervous and you say no, which is true because it’s your favorite thing.  I get nervous for you because I could never do that, but I remember that I’m not you at all.  There are little parts of me in you and we like some of the same things, but you are definitely your own little person.  You are also really good at running even though you’re not a fan of practice. It has been so much fun to watch you this year - you are sometimes the smallest but you’re end game is strong - boy can those little legs move!  After all, they’ve been moving fast since you were born.  And, it’s a good thing because you’re the only one that can catch Sophie when she escapes.  

You are sure of the things you love and sure of the things you don’t love, which I think is a little like me but maybe you’re better at standing your ground on that and I’ve learned a lot from watching you.  You love donuts, breakfast at Starbucks, anything rainbow, creating,  singing, high heel shoes, and you have your own sense of fashion.  You love the beach and swimming and swinging as high as you can because you feel so free.  You also love any sliver of time with just me.  You love traditions and remind us of them - like celebrating Nana’s birthday, drawings on your lunch bags, Nativity sets, and Easter egg hunts with Resurrection eggs.  You love flowers and you always stop what you are doing to pick them.  You have taught me that there is always time for that.  You love giving and you give selflessly to us and to others.   You love stories about when you were little and stories about your Nana.  This year for your birthday you chose her chocolate cake and we made it together.  I added sprinkles because I think she would have and we talked about her and her perfect handwriting and how she loved you.  I’m pretty sure she was right there overseeing the mess we made.  I also wrapped eleven little gifts because you are always wrapping and giving.  You said you loved the chocolate cookies the most - I’m not surprised.  

You do not love bugs, being dirty, camping, math, wearing shoes, when people don’t get along, and you have perfected the hand-on-hip-finger-shake.  It breaks your heart when people are sad and you'd do anything to see them happy.  You make choices on what you like and not because someone else is doing it.  Your imagination is higher than the sky and you are almost always content.   

You are the brightest ray of sunshine that came along exactly when we needed you.  I am thankful that I can still pick you up and squeeze you so tight because you will forever be my smallest baby.  I love when you put your face so close to mine that I can count all 874 freckles and I love the way your hair streaks blonde through the red like sunshine through the clouds.  I love the way you tell the truth and say what you are thinking because no one has to guess where they stand with you.  I love the way you stand up for others and for what you believe - I basically just love the mess out of you.    

You have so very many gifts and so very much to offer to this world - I love them all.  But, mostly I love that you are mine.  

Happy Birthday to my best girl!

Love, 

Mommy