cancerversary

I'll admit to looking for any excuse to blow out some candles and avoid cooking dinner.  I celebrated my cancerversary with 3 candles on a gingerbread cake, pizza, a perfect prayer of thanksgiving by my sweet friend, and some kids who were caught between being confused by whose birthday it was and trying to figure out which candle to dip in the icing.

And, being alive.  Very alive.  

I have always been drawn to the Happy Birthday American Cancer Society Commercials, even if I didn't want to be.  They are very intimate - like they are singing only to you, actually made me stop to watch.  The movement was launched in 2010 as part of their "more birthdays" campaign.  I remember walking by the TV, hearing that familiar song and thinking, "yeah right." as my mother had celebrated her last birthday here on earth.  I felt betrayed.  Then, on December 10th, I was diagnosed.  I watched those commercials and thought, "if only."  I was spending almost every second that I wasn't eating or feeding my kids looking for clinical trials or reading statistics.  One night after reading such astounding numbers that meant my chance of even one birthday was pretty slim, I walk by the TV to hear, "Happy Birthday…" 

Straight to the gut.  Turned it off. 

But, for some reason, I thought of those commercials today.  I have a new appreciation for them.  And maybe, just maybe, Keith Urban was singing to me.  Well ok, maybe not, but since I make all this up as I go I may as well dream.  So, today I celebrated.  I woke up.  I went to work.  I sang Christmas carols at the nursing home with my little daisy scout.  I was educated on foreign cars by my son.  I ate cake.  I blew out candles.  3 candles.  3 years.  

And, I turned on you tube and let good ole Keith sing to me.  Because it's my cancer birthday, and I'm alive, and he's hot.  

Here's to more cancervesarys. Or cancer birthdays.  Or birthdays.  Or just days in general.  They are all as good as we make them.  Psalm 116: 5-9

KEITH URBAN

more candles

From my caring bridge site: 

On Tuesday I will celebrate 3 years of a beautiful life that was not promised, not expected, and certainly not in my favor.  And, I will celebrate it in remission.  Did I think I would be here? No.  Did I want to be here?  With all of my heart and soul.  

Today our pressure cooker gets to remain cracked open so we can breathe.  We stared at the screen as my doctor passed through every organ from my neck down and then we asked to read the report for good measure.  Nothing there.  He complimented me on my good looking spinal cord.  I thanked him - I’m quite proud of that considering all the trauma my poor cord and I have been through.  He called my report boring.  I would beg to differ.  My hematologist gave me a comparison chart of my blood counts that he has been watching over the last 18 months.  I was a little in shock to see it in print.  Basically, when I was diagnosed with leukemia last May, 57% of the cells in my blood were leukemia cells, which means that more than half of what was circulating in my body was filled with cancer cells.  Lovely.  I’m going to say that sometimes it’s best not to know or understand how sick you are.  It also may be best to be so stubborn.  I mean, who walks around like that?  I’ll get the final results of my blood test later this week but as of August, those numbers were almost undetectable.  Amazing. 

So, here I sit.  Still trying to comprehend it all.  I’m in a place where I wasn’t supposed to be.  But, it looks like I was.  Lighting one more cancer birthday candle.  

I was recently asked to name a pivotal moment in my life.  Easy I thought, of course it was the day I was diagnosed with cancer.  But, then I started thinking.  It was also the day I was born, the day I knew I would marry my husband, the day I married my husband, the day my son was born, the day my daughter was born, the day my mom was diagnosed with cancer, the day she died, the day I survived surgery, the day I could run, and every time I go back to that room to look at that screen to see what is or isn’t there.  My life pivots constantly.  That’s the way it is.   

We live a life that is pretty much on the edge but I have to say that we live it well.  

We love deeply around here.  We strive to do what will be important in 5 years and I’ve tried to let go of worrying about what I can’t change.  I do what I can to make memories for my kids that will last.  They can’t see the devastation on our faces from the Christmas pictures the year I was diagnosed or the pain I can feel when I look at pictures from the Christmas before my surgery.  They don’t see the relief we felt last Christmas. They only see their mommy and daddy, new toys, and memories of Christmas morning gingerbread man pancakes.  They get to be kids.  For this, I am grateful.  

Our life is a real life full of oops - like our Christmas cards that arrived today so beautifully printed with a but with a grammatical error.  At one point in my life, I wouldn’t have sent them and even though it drives me a little crazy, I think they are a great representation of us - real, imperfect, and full of life - the picture’s pretty good, so I really don’t have room to complain.  After all, I’m not posting my work on Pinterest or anything.  If I was perfect, our little elves wouldn’t have arrived dressed so cutely but confused in gender.  Bailey was a little weirded out that his elf, Fred, was wearing the tutu.  Oops.  Silly elf. 

So, Merry Christmas from the Jessops.  We’ve already gotten our gift.  Our Christmas pictures will once again be filled with joy - and probably one or two kids hitting each other before it’s all said and done.  We pray that God continues continues to protect us and use our imperfections as only He can.   

Kimberly

free fuel

I just walked in the door.   From my trip to Vandy for my latest photo shoot of my insides.  And, in about 9 hours, I'll turn around and do the trip again to see what's behind door number one.  It would have been much easier to spend the night but I'd miss packing lunches and kissing goodbye for school and two small people's days would be much more disrupted.  But, that's tomorrow.
Today, I experienced something that will stick with me.  I was about and hour from home but starving - debating on the bowl of cereal at home or stopping for food.  I chose the food.  Glad I did.  I got up to the window to pay and the girl said, "the person in front of you already paid for yours."  Huh?  She grinned and said, "yes ma'am, it's true."  I'll admit that I looked around for someway to thank someone and then started spinning my mind on how I could find out who it was to thank them.  I started wondering if they thought I was someone else, or someone they knew.  I started to ask the girl if she knew them.  But, I stopped (after I felt God thump me in the head) and just decided to be thankful.  It was just that - a random act.  Whoever it was wanted nothing in return and had no expectations.  Just joy because they did something nice.  I'm certain they had no idea that I was a mama who had spent all day in a cancer clinic and kind of thought about skipping the chicken to get home to her babies faster.  God knew who I was.
He also put that Keurig in the outpatient imaging center I ended up in today - not stale hospital coffee.  That was my fuel to get me to the chicken.  And the chicken that was paid for by a complete stranger was my fuel to get me home.  And what's at home is what fuels me the most.  So, today I learned that paying it forward can really pay you back, kindness has a real ripple affect, and there are still good people in this world
Not too bad.
KJ

thanks·giv·ing

thanks·giv·ing

 [thangks-giv-ing] 

noun

1.

the act of giving thanks; grateful acknowledgment of benefits or favors, especially to God.

2.

an expression of thanks, especially to God.

3.

a public celebration in acknowledgment of divine favor or kindness.

4.

a day set apart for giving thanks to God.

   
Every day.  That's really what it should be.  I am thankful everyday that I wake up on this earth.  I appreciate what and who I have more than I ever have.  I'll admit that maybe Thanksgiving isn't really my favorite holiday.  I love getting the day off and love getting to spend time with my family.  Oh, and I love dressing.  I could really take or leave the rest of it.  Just a big ole bowl of dressing and my family and I'm good.

My mama loved it, though.  She actually enjoyed cooking, and boy, was she good at it.  Most Thanksgivings were spent with her side of the family - much further away which usually meant a road trip and that was pretty exciting, for at least the first hour of the trip until my brother started putting his legs over the imaginary line on my side of the car.  My grandmother literally lived in the middle of nowhere, with no cable.  I remember Daddy driving down to the nearest town to rent us a VCR and a movie for the night.  I'm not sure we even had a VCR at home at that point so it was a pretty big deal and he must have been pretty hard up for entertainment.  I was sure that must have cost a fortune because we weren't really into lavish experiences like this.  And, then there was the year when Mom decided we would have hens with our dressing. She had an old one in the freezer that she decided to cook for the dog, but poor Daddy ended up with the old freezer burned hen on his plate instead.  It bore strong resemblance to the turkey on Chistmas Vacation.  He had requested the hens but had a real puzzled look on his face when he stuck his fork in it and said, "I'm not sure mine's any good." Mama quickly jerked it off of his plate and said, "Oh gosh that was for the dog!" But, the dressing was always good, and so was the love.  No matter where we were or what else was there.  Everyone was welcomed home and she had no greater joy than to watch people eat her food.

And, we've carried on tradition of making a road trip with our own kids to eat Thanksgiving dinner with their grandparents.  It will be a feast of turkey and casseroles and of course, dressing.  Their favorite thing will be the cranberry sauce straight from the can but regardless of how much food or dessert there is, there will be plenty of love.  And plenty of reasons to be thankful.

I didn't really get into posting every day in November for what I am thankful for because that would require me to commit in the first place and I'm much more into eliminating things from my daily to-do list than adding.  I do like the idea of making a list because it's a very visual reminder. It makes you realize how quickly you can fill that list or if you're slow at it, then you probably need to make one every day or several times a day. I gave it a shot, all at once in no particular order:

• cancer research
• God's grace
• that my husband still puts up with me and brings me my keys 30 minutes away after the 3rd time in 4 months and doesn't even yell
• Bailey and Martha Kate Jessop
• perspective
• heated seats
• technology that allows instant communication and the ability to allow doctors to see into the core of your being
• that even if my son may be a little embarrassed to hug me in front of his friends, he still crawls in my lap every night
• a daughter that wants to be near me, like me,  help me, and mimic my every move
• smartwool socks, Ugg boots, and goose down
• forgiveness
• the ability to walk, and even run if I choose
• friends - both near and far and worth the drive
• that people I've never met or seen in a long time tell me they have prayed for me and the joy that I get when people realize that their prayers are very much heard
• vacation
• that my husband cooks on Sundays
• Selma - when she cleans my house it's the closest thing to a fairy I can think of
• being loved
• loving back
• Target
• that my husband truly enjoys playing guitar for kids on Sunday morning
• vacuum cleaners
• coffee
• doctors that genuinely care
• family 
• that winter is only a few months out of the year
• prayer
• that he chased me and I married him
• drugs that work
• dressing

On Thanksgiving this year, I will spend my morning drinking coffee and perusing the ads for the sales on Friday - the only day or reason I read the paper.  I will watch the annual Thanksgiving Day parade on TV.  I will eat my fill of dressing surrounded by people who I love and who love me.  I will celebrate the with the fans of the two biggest rivals in the SEC as we all freeze our tails off to find out who gets to hold on to a big gold egg this year.  But, most of all, I will give thanks.  I have way more than I deserve.  

Happy Thanksgiving!
Kimberly

Just crabbin'

I spent last night chasing crabs.  In my house.  In the middle of the suburbs.  Nowhere near the ocean.  I swear I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.
I was awakened in the middle of the night by Lucy, vibrating next to me and the sound of rocks dropping on the floor.
Stephen, "what was that?"
Me, "I don't know."
Stephen, "what's wrong with this crazy dog - she's shivering."
Me, "maybe she's cold."

Stephen attributed the noise to the floors creaking and offered to let the dog out, which consisted of him walking downstairs and going to the couch - without the dog. I was becoming impatient about the sleep I was missing and I finally shoved her off the bed.  She ran to Kate's room and hid under the bed.  I then proceeded to pull her out and carry her downstairs - crazy dog - yelling at Stephen for not letting her out the first time.

Now, it's 3 am and I'm borderline mad because I'm counting the hours now and the dog is still vibrating and I can't sleep.
THUD.
Stephen gets up and rustles around downstairs then turns on the light on the stairs.
"Oh my gosh!"
Me, "what fell?"
"Dang hermit crab is on the stairs."
Me, "WHAT!?"

The hermit crab had managed down 11 of the 13 stairs - one step every 15 minutes or so, which explains the last hour of rocks dropping on the hardwood.
Stephen goes to return him to his home.
 "How many of these things to we have?"
Me, "Two. How many are in there?"
"None."
Me, "Lovely."
He flips on the light in Bailey's room pulls the covers off and shakes the kid.
"Did you let these hermit crabs out tonight?"
B - "OH MY GOSH! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!"
Me, "One was on the stairs, where's the other one?"

Bailey runs through the house through our room to the playroom, turns on the lights and points to the table, clearly panicked.  Never seen the kid move so fast.
We all start throwing stuff around as I imagine finding a stinky dead crab in a painted mermaid shell sometime over Thanksgiving break and become disgusted in addition to my anger over the lost sleep.
Stephen found the little booger on the other side of the room.  She had apparently been having her own fun climbing around and falling which is explains the rest of the noises coming from the playroom.  Bailey explained that he had let the crabs out for some exercise and must have forgotten to put them back.  Of course.  All crabs need exercise.  In our home.  Well, they should be pretty tired by now. I am.
Crabs were returned, kid went back to bed, dog stopped vibrating, and well, I was left wide awake.  How we didn't step on the stupid things, I don't know, but I am glad that the little fella took the stairs route rather than my bed for his exercise routine.

Kate is certain that Santa is bringing her a guinea pig.  We have reviewed Santa's live animal clause and I am certain that he is not.
Poor Lucy was exhausted.

wrapping it up

Bailey and I were watching TV last night and he asked me, "why doesn't anybody celebrate Thanksgiving?"  It's true. When I was shopping for Halloween costumes, the Christmas wreaths were on the next isle.  It kind of creeped me out a little.
I will say we have enjoyed a glorious fall - the weather has been fantastic and I'm not sure if it is just my heightened awareness or appreciation for everything but the trees have been exceptionally pretty this year.  I try to catch the sunrise most days over my dogwood tree in the backyard.  For about 5 minutes it looks like it's on fire - an awesome display of God's artwork.
We managed to work in pretty much every fall festivity - by Halloween, I was pretty much festified all I wanted to be.

 I was pretty proud of Bailey for designing and carving his pumpkin by himself, and I love the way his is staring at Kate's with the one big eye - typical.

We did Daisy scout festivities, church festivities, neighborhood festivities, and of course trick or treating.  I was really praying that the rain would continue on Halloween and we could settle for popcorn and a movie, but no such luck.  Kate wore her super girl costume to 5 houses and headed home - she's not big on distance walking even if it is for candy.
I drug my kids to the cotton field so I could take a quick picture and used Uncle Ed's hayride festivities as bribery - thanks Uncle Ed.  They acted foolish for the pictures, of course.  Bailey had his disgusting-I-don't-want-to-be-seen-with-her-look the whole time and Kate posed like she was on the cover of Teen Beat.  He gets really bent out of shape with her antics and pretty much every picture session ends with them hitting each other and her crying.  I've taken dozens of pictures of friends kids where you tell them to stand, hug each other, and smile and they do it.  Quickly.  Mine? Never.  As punishment, I made them get dressed again the next day and go back there - still accomplished nothing because it was almost dark but they thought it was worth the effort to see the deer running through the cotton fields.

And, of course, there's football season. We will wrap it up with the Egg Bowl this week - nothing says thankful like college football.  I consider the end of football season somewhat of a holiday around here.  I do enjoy the atmosphere for a game or two and the time we get to spend together  but after so many weekends, I can honestly say that I won't miss the drone of sports talk radio, the halting of any Saturday activities, and the really late night drives home.  That being said, I wouldn't trade those times for anything.  I love the bond that Stephen and Bailey share over MSU football and the way Kate loves Bully and dances to the Maroon Band.

This fall has certainly brought a lot of memories, new experiences, and moments to treasure.  As we look forward to this week of Thanksgiving, I for one, plan to celebrate it fully.  I have a lot to be thankful for, as we all do.